Every time I roll out my yoga mat for a quiet moment of peace, my little dog saunters over and flops right in the centre. Never misses it. He always seems to know. And with his wholehearted and undeniable sense of self belief and self-worth, he assumes that my little act of intention revolves around him. And somehow… he always gets away with it.

And for a long time, so did a lot of people in my life.

If you’re someone who cares, who is raised to be helpful, thoughtful, and endlessly available, chances are you’ve been letting people lie down right in the middle of your metaphorical yoga mat for years. And I get it.

When I started working on boundaries, I thought it meant becoming more assertive or standing up for myself with big, bold energy. Hmm- great for some – not for me!!

But what I came to realise, is that healthy boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They’re about remembering who you are.

What Are Boundaries?

“Boundaries” are one of those wellness buzzwords that you hear everywhere – like “sacred cacao journey” and “quantum leaping”. They show up on healthy living podcasts, Instagram, workplace wellbeing trainings …everywhere. But what are boundaries, really?

To me, boundaries are the invisible edges that help us recognise where we end and others begin. They’re not a wall, they’re more like a gentle perimeter that helps us stay in touch with our own needs, energy, and values while still being in connection with others.

As we move through life, the edges shift. We’re shaped by early social learning, family dynamics, survival mechanisms. Many of us, especially those who felt responsible for other people’s emotions early on, learn to merge, to lose ourselves in others’ narratives about who we are or what we’re meant to be. And when this happens for an extended period of time we can pretty much lose sight of our own needs.

And here’s the thing: that merging might have once kept us safe. But later in life, it becomes the thing that exhausts us. When you love yourself enough to set boundaries, you recalibrate your energetic interactions in a way that includes you.

When we think in terms of the nervous system, boundaries are connected to our ability to sense and scan into the field around us. And to adapt our physiology to what we sense, in order to keep us ‘safe’. But that’s only part of the story. Boundaries also help us stay connected to ourselves — to our own limits, needs, and energy. They allow us to notice things like when we’re overwhelmed, when we need to rest, or when something doesn’t feel quite right. So boundaries help us navigate the outside world, but they’re just as much about protecting our inner space, too.

Why Do We Need to Set Boundaries?

If you’ve struggled with boundaries, it’s not because you’re a doormat or too nice. It’s probably because you’ve got a strong emotional radar. You care. You tune in deeply.

But without any internal anchor, that tuning in can become constant tuning in to others, while leaving yourself behind. Over time, that’s when you start to see the signs: burnout, resentment, exhaustion, identity confusion, and a deep longing to just be left alone for just a minute.

So why do we need to set boundaries? The truth is: loving yourself enough to set boundaries is a process of honouring your energy, your limits, and your right to exist as your own whole person.

Setting Boundaries to Support Your Nervous System

This is where things get interesting (and a tiny bit ‘sciencey’).

Boundaries are physiological as much as they are emotional. When we don’t have them, our nervous system tends to live in a state of hypervigilance. Think: tension in the shoulders, shallow breath, that wired-but-tired feeling. We’re constantly bracing for someone to need us, want something from us, or cross an invisible line. When we are in hypervigilance, we literally can not be well connected to our own internal compass. The brain will send our focus outwards to keep us safe.

But a lack of boundaries doesn’t just put us on high alert — it also slowly wears us down. Without clear limits, we give away our time, our energy, our attention, ourselves. We say yes when we mean no, skip lunch to accommodate our bosses demands, push through fatigue instead of resting. Over time, this chips away at our capacity to regulate. We lose connection not only to our internal compass, but to the signals of our body altogether — hunger, overwhelm, the need to pause. Without boundaries, there’s no buffer zone between us and the world, which means our nervous system never truly gets a break.

When we are boundry-ed up however, we feel safe and contained. Our nervous system shifts into a regulated state. That’s where we access clarity, rest, nourishing social connection, and creative thinking.

When Should We Set Boundaries?

Some signs you might need to set (or reset) your boundaries:

• You’re constantly tired or overwhelmed but feel guilty resting.
• You say “yes” when you mean “no”, and feel resentment bubbling underneath.
• You replay conversations in your head for hours.
• You’ve stopped recognising your own needs.
• You feel invisible in your relationships.
• You feel ‘taken advantage of’
• You feel irritated and frustrated and can’t easily explain why.

The key is not to wait until you’re snapping, sobbing or spiralling. Boundaries work best when they’re woven into your everyday life, not hurled out as a last resort. And yes, it’s okay to wobble. Boundary work is a practice, not a perfection project.

Who Should We Set Boundaries With?

In short? Anyone whose energy regularly drains you or whose expectations keep you out of alignment with yourself.

This can include:

• Family (especially if old roles are still running the show)
• Work colleagues or clients
• Friends who expect emotional labour on tap
• Romantic partners
• Your phone, your to-do list, or even yourself

Boundaries are not about rejecting connection, they’re what make healthy connection possible. In fact if done right they may save you a friendship.

Helpful reflection: Ask yourself, “When I spend time with this person/situation, do I feel more or less connected to myself afterwards?” That question alone can be a compass.

NB This does not mean that you need to change everything about a circumstance straight away. 

What Setting Boundaries Looks Like in Practice

Okay, so what does setting boundaries actually look like?

We’ve laid out a few simplified examples below. And yes, these phrases can feel a bit weird to begin with. They might feel clunky or unnatural, especially if you’re used to cushioning everyone else’s comfort. But the more you get connected to yourself, the easier it becomes:

Phrases to set boundaries with family:

• “I understand that’s how you feel. I need to take a break from this conversation.”
• “I love you, but I won’t be able to help with that this week.”
• “Let’s agree to disagree on this one.” (OK – honest moment…this one has to be in your heart…I trialled it a few times when I was absolutely NOT OK to disagree – it does not come out well!!)

Top Tip: Practice asserting these phrases calmly when you really are in an OK state, and you will be far more comfortable to deliver it well in a moment of tension.

Phrases to set boundaries at work:

• “That’s outside of my current capacity.”
• “Let me get back to you on that – I need to check my schedule.” (pause…breathe…smile)
• “I can’t stay late today, but I can help tomorrow morning.”

You don’t need to over-explain. A boundary is not a debate.

This often takes a bit of coaching, practice, and trial and error. Sometimes they don’t land well. Sometimes people push back. We’ll cover all of that below.

What If My Boundaries Are Not Respected?

Well…. yes. That part ….

Let’s be honest, when you start setting boundaries, some people won’t be thrilled. Especially if they benefitted from you not having any. Cue the guilt trips, the emotional manipulation, the subtle (or not-so-subtle) pushback.

But here’s the thing: that pushback isn’t proof you’re doing something wrong. It’s often proof you’re finally doing something right. 

So, what if my boundaries are not respected? This is where tools like breathwork, mindfulness, coaching, and having supportive people in your corner become so powerful. You don’t need to avoid every situation that triggers you. In fact, sometimes those situations become your training ground. Every time you hold a boundary, you’re strengthening your self-trust. 

Books on Setting Boundaries

There’s no shortage of books on setting boundaries – but here are a few of my personal favorites:

• Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab – practical, empowering, and clear.
• Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg – a gentle and transformational guide to speaking boundaries with empathy. I love Marshall Rosenberg, and he lived what he taught. He mediated some serious boundaries in some pretty scary situations with incredible results. Set your sights high, and telling your boss that no…you can not work the weekend through – will seem like small fry.
• The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy by Arielle Schwartz – for those wanting to understand how the nervous system shapes our boundaries.
• Let Them by Mel Robbins – a great read for finding the mindset when you need permission to stop managing other people’s reactions. Mel tells it straight. There’s no messing with Mel, and that can bring courage if you are ever questioning your decision to change.
• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – If you are ready to dive deeper into trauma, safety, and healing from the inside out. 

How to Set Boundaries in Specific Relationships

This will just be a brief overview because relationships are such a complex training ground for life – and there are so many complexities as to why we may have unbalanced boundaries. It helps to have someone support you to see where and why the dynamic is uncomfortable, and to help you remain connected to the deeper ‘why’ as you forge ahead.

That said, here are some helpful pointers for some of those most challenging relationships:

Setting Boundaries With Adult Stepchildren

Setting boundaries with adult stepchildren can be emotionally layered. You might feel unsure about your “place” and second-guess your needs. But your role, whatever it is, still deserves clarity and kindness.

You might say: “I care about our relationship, and I also need some personal space around [insert situation]. Let’s find a rhythm/ solution that works for both of us.”

Respect and boundaries are not mutually exclusive.

Setting Boundaries With Difficult Elderly Parents

Setting boundaries with difficult elderly parents can bring up guilt, especially if you were raised to believe you owe them everything. But you are still allowed to have limits. Often, a soft but consistent approach works best:

“I want to support you, but I need to do it in a way that works for my health too.”

You can be present without being depleted.

How to Set Boundaries With an Avoidant Partner

Working out how to set boundaries with an avoidant partner can be tricky, because you may already feel like the emotional caretaker. The goal isn’t to force openness, but to protect your own energy:

“I’m here and I care, but I need emotional honesty in our connection. I can’t keep guessing what’s going on.”

If they can’t meet you there, that’s information too.

Setting Boundaries With a Lying Spouse

Setting boundaries with a lying spouse are about safety… and sanity. Start with clarity:

“I need honesty in order to feel safe. If that’s not happening, I need to take a step back to protect myself.”

You deserve truth. And peace.

How to Set Boundaries With Emotionally Draining Friends

It can be challenging to set boundaries with emotionally draining friends. If you’re the go-to emotional friend sponge, it’s time to gently unplug:

“I really value our friendship, but I can’t always be the one processing things with you. Let’s catch up when we both have energy to connect.”

You’re not abandoning them – you’re rebalancing the friendship.

How to Set Boundaries With a Narcissistic Mother

This one hits deep. If you grew up walking on eggshells, boundaries can feel like betrayal. But they’re actually your birth right. Here’s how to set boundaries with a narcissistic mother:

“I’m focusing on my own healing right now, and I won’t be available for [insert dynamic]. We can talk when things feel more respectful.”

It might feel radical – but so is reclaiming your life.

Help With Setting Boundaries

Still need help with setting boundaries? You’re not alone. Boundary work is deep work. It’s rarely a one-and-done, and it often stirs up old survival strategies.

But you don’t have to go it alone. Whether through coaching (I can help!), nervous system support, or simply having someone hold a non-judgmental space for your growth and to mirror back your own qualities and strengths (which can get challenged when you start this work) it’s okay to get help.

Like I said, there’s a protection mechanism in us too that will need support and encouragement to change. Knowing and standing in your natural strengths, with the right tools, mirroring and support can absolutely give you resilience and strength to follow through.

And honestly? The world needs more people who are whole.